yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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