I hope mine doesn't look like that
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
