my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
