So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
