Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she pinky promised me she was 18
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
