took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
