I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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