Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
