Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
