All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
