How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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