He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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