My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
