I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
cat food counts as protein by the way
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
