You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
