im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
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my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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