this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
