there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
