So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
