So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
