Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
