I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
