in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
