I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
