I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
