My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you will always have a special place in my vag
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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