Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
