You can't motorboat a personality
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize