it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize