it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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