How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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