I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
