And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
