just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
