I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
