I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
