if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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