I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
