is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
