i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Houston, we have a squirter
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
