I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
