Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
