you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
