I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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