Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
