thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
sex in a hospital.. check
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
