Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
