I cannot find my penis.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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