i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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