I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
