I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
