I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
