3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
