So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
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This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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