I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
