I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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