now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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