I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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