Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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