I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
