I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
