oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
