so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
