Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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