I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
