My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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